Here we Go

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It’s finals week here soon. That wonderful time where you procrascinate, study, and find random intervals to sleep. If you’re anything like me you’re working too because well you like to pile priorities on top of each other. Today though I am not only procrasinating studying by posting on here, but also talking about an event I had the other day.

It was a panic attack. My first one since starting my new medication. I barely slept the night before, it’s almost finals week, and my medicine that I take daily was wearing off. I’m driving to work in my car and I can feel the all too familiar flood of a panic attack coming. I call my roommate so she can keep me calm while driving. I manage to make it to work and I feel come outside, but then I get to the door and it feels like something has punched me. Panic attacks comes on full force and angry. I begin sobbing and hyperventilating and throwing myself through the employee door as fast as possible. There’s so many people back there and they all just stare at me. I need someone to help. I manage to form the words to tell someone to grab my pills and open it. Hand me one and my water. It takes my almost 20 minutes to calm down from this, and once I do I get that tiredness that creeps in through the bottom of your body to the top and pulls you to the ground. I feel so embarrassed and I can feel all my coworkers now pulling away from me. I’ve scared them and made them feel helpless. They won’t want me now. It’s saddens me that people run away when they don’t understand or are scared. If I could just explain it, if I had an actual answer for why, but I don’t.

People like reasons. That’s why we have advanced so far. One part of being human is the curiosity to know. The part about my mental illness, generalized anxiety and panic disorder, is that you don’t have that why. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain caused by a high amount of dopamine and a low amount of serotonin. It causes me to have insomnia, panic attacks, and anxiety for no reason. I take medicine everyday to increase my levels of serotonin which will fight back the dopamine. I take a sleeping pill so my body can finally rest because my brain is quiet for once.This is not a choice. This is not me being negative. This not because of some fear I have. The chemicals in my brain are not at NORMAL levels. I have a mental illness. This chemical imbalance is so bad sometimes that it causes my body to go into shock and my brain attacks itself. My own thoughts attack me and my body hyperventilates, not able to take the stress. This is not a joke or some made up illness. You telling me to “Breathe.”, “Just be happy.”, “How about try being positive?” is not going to help. It’s the chemicals in my freaking BRAIN. If you broke a bone and I told you “Oh just think about it being healed and bam you’ll be better.” That’s not going to work. My words are not going to make your cells multiply faster and heal your bone overnight. So why do people think that telling a person with a mental illness “to just be happy” is going to work? It’s not going to work, not ever. How about you learn to deal with mental illness and your fear of it? It’s not my fault you can’t handle sickness in the brain. It’s not my fault I have a higher level of dopamine than most people. It’s not my fault our society has raised us to believe the mentally ill are to be feared and put away. It’s not my fault you don’t understand. We need to come together and talk and learn each others’ sides. Listen to me and I’ll listen to you. That is how we heal. That is how the fear leaves and you get to know why. Take that for your curiosity.

Comment and tell me what you think. Goodnight darlings ❤

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